Jealousy and The Radical Path of Non-Abandonment of Self
Jealousy. Ooof…an emotion that is so very primal, complex, nuanced, and human in its nature. Society often creates a lot of judgment, shame, and drama around jealousy. For instance, the “jealous woman” has often been demonized as crazy, frivolous and gaslighted for her outrage of emotion. Jealousy, in this instance, often gets dismissed as this petty thing and shamed for its complex and confusing nature.
However, in truth, it takes an enormous amount of courage and vulnerability to talk about and get curious around Jealousy. At its core, jealousy actually reflects a very important set of needs and wishes. Jealousy is simply a response to life experiences. An adaptive strategy to the underlying need for safety, love, and connection. So today, I really want to start a conversation along those terms. For labeling someone as jealous is far too simplistic and stops further healing, connection, and clarity from transpiring.
The Complexity of Jealousy
From an evolutionary perspective, jealousy protects our most valued bonds. Jealousy can stem from a primal fear that our needs aren’t going to get met. Jealousy also gives us information of how important a relationship is and a need to protect it. Underneath jealousy is often a fear of loss, abandonment, or of feeling worthless and unlovable…a deep felt sense of not being enough. Jealousy hits at the root of belonging. Not enoughness hits at the function of why one feels jealous.
How To Be With Jealousy
When addressing the root causes of jealousy, and to open pathways to healing, we have to begin to build a few new muscles and neural pathways.
The first muscle we need to strengthen is our curiosity and compassion for self during these times, our “Empathic Witness Self” muscle. This “Empathic Witness Self” is our capacity to be with the feelings and sensations of jealousy with an openness, lightness, curiosity and warmth.
The second muscle we need to strengthen is our “Wise Discerning Self” muscle. We need to discern if jealousy is “needed” at this moment or not. Notice I used the word “needed”, and not appropriate. Emotions are neither good, nor bad, appropriate or inappropriate. Rather, we discern if this jealousy is internally generated or externally generated. Are there valid external cues that make the jealousy warranted or at least understandable? Or, is the jealousy internally driven from attachment wounding, feelings of not enoughness, and fear of loss?
Emotions, such as jealousy, are good messengers and show us trailheads leading down paths of healing. However, emotions are not good as guides along this path! Your “Empathic Witness Self” and “Wise Discerning Self” need to be the guides here. We need to cultivate our awareness, curiosity, compassion, empathy, attunement to self, and capacity to hold a wider, softer perspective filled with multiple truths.
Tools and Resources to Becoming Your “Empathic Witness Self” and “Wise Discerning Self”
One tool to help build the muscle towards becoming your “Empathic Witness Self” and “Wise Discerning Self”, to guide you down the trailhead of healing jealousy, is to follow the 5-step N.U.R.S.E. Protocol. More than understanding and insight, this 5-step map supports us in embodying new ways of being, aligned with a broader vision.
The acronym N.U.R.S.E. stands for:
N. Notice and Name
U. Understanding
R. Resource and Regulate
S. Somatic Explorations
E. Empower, Embody, Expand
Step 1 - Notice and name the autonomic nervous system state and bodily signals of activation and unrest during times of jealousy. Are you in a fight, flight, freeze, collapse, or appease response? Maybe you feel muscle tension, changes in your breathing and heart rate, shakiness, dissociation, or posture changes.
Step 2 - Understanding. This is where we bring in the heart-part of compassion and understanding. In this moment offer yourself compassion in the form of slowing down, bringing curiosity to what is activating and triggering you. Knowing this event is a protective, adaptive strategy, created from an underlying unmet need for connection, safety, and belonging.
Step 3 - Resource and regulate using a somatic resource practice that feels supportive in your body at this moment. Try exploring different practices and combining them to find what works for you and your unique nervous system (ex: slow, deep breaths and ground feet into the earth. Bring one hand to your heart and one to your belly.) I have included a short list of other somatic resources below.
Step 4 - Somatic explorations. Ask, “what is it that wants to be known, felt, and integrated now?" Ask, “How might I take care of myself in a new way?” Explore and see if there is a response or action that feels more aligned with your deeper truth, values, needs, and intention for personal growth. What is in the best interest for you, your partner and this relationship?
Step 5 - Embody, Empower, Expand. Meet your experience with curiosity, perspective and warmth. What new choices, perspectives, bodily sensations are arising around this triggering event? What action are you choosing to take? What story are you choosing to write and listen to?
Somatic Resources
Orient, look around your environment, find something soothing such as a plant or piece of art or a color you like.
Ground, sense your feet connected to the earth.
Breathe, lengthen your exhale, slow your breath.
Place hands on heart or belly, or hug yourself.
Hum or bring in an intentional sigh of relief. Allow any innate sound to release through you.
Move rhythmically, rock, sway, bounce, let any innate movements release through you.
Anything that brings you back into presence - paying attention to what is happening inside you and outside you in the present moment.
The Antidote and Medicine Needed
Once you have embodied your “Empathic Witness Self”and discerned if the source of jealousy is internally or externally generated, you can choose the correct medicine or antidote needed for the wound.
The antidote for internally generated jealousy is building trust, self-worth, gratitude, and equanimity around the impermanence of life and the ones we love. It is an act of kindness to turn toward yourself in times of jealousy and welcome its visit as a messenger from your body and soul. This “lost orphan of your soma and soul”, as my teacher, Matt Licata calls it, simply wants to be seen, heard, held and loved. To find a home within you where it is welcomed. What burden is this visitor holding? Can you love this part of you in a way that nobody else did?
Even though the main focus for internally generated jealousy is to turn inward and attune to self…I want to mention that it is also an act of kindness and great courage and vulnerability to enlist your partner to help in the healing of this wound. Your partner may not be responsible for the wound, BUT your partner is part of the healing because they are in a relationship with you!
You can start by simply naming to your partner the underlying fears and needs beneath the jealousy. And to go a step further…to ask yourself…how can I enlist my partner to help me build trust again? Is it reassurance during these inflamed times that is needed to soothe your tender heart? Is it affection? Think of what would make you feel seen, heard, understood and loved by your partner in this moment of vulnerability. Have the courage to own this internally driven emotion AND attune to your self AND enlist your partners help in healing. What is the corrective experience needed that you didn't get in the past? How can you give that experience to yourself and how can your partner help to give you that experience? When the need is met, you no longer need the protection from jealousy.
As for externally generated jealousy, the antidote is to get clear on one’s boundaries, values, and needs. Oftentimes your partner is doing something they deem acceptable and may have been acceptable in prior relationships, but is not acceptable to you. Clearly communicate your line and boundary and set an agreement with your partner. AND, trust yourself to leave a situation if the agreements and communicated boundary is broken. It is an act of radical non-abandonment of self to set a boundary and protect your inner little one and adult self.
Final Thoughts
During moments of activation, relief, in the form of old patterned responses, becomes the priority over curiosity. Integration, healing, and paving new pathways for the nervous system and brain requires being with our sensations, emotions, feelings, thoughts, and what is arising in the body, in a curious and new way. Trust that jealousy is a trail marker that will lead one down a path of healing. Either, the jealousy is congruent to the situation and will lead to a healthy boundary for you or the jealous response is not congruent to the real life situation and is rooted in insecurities and fear and will lead one down the path toward healing inner wounds around safety, love, connection and abandonment.
AND if you react in a heated moment of jealousy…BEGIN AGAIN…with compassion, forgiveness and a whole lot of understanding for your HUMANNESS and the humanness of others! This is a lifelong journey, not a race.
"Opening to the possibility that lasting transformation and healing are not so much about changing our experience as retraining ourselves to meet it with new levels of curiosity, perspective, and warmth.” - Matthew Licata, PhD
Thank you for having this VULNERAGEOUS (vulnerable, courageous, and outrageous) conversation with me around jealousy. It takes great courage to engage with these feelings and to embark on the radical path of non-abandonment of self. And remember…hold on to your center, for that is the only way.
